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- Mood:
apathetic
me: oh
ha :)
I think
1:33 PM you're just scared cause you think I expect like 30948309348039 things from you
and I don't.
Go out. Do single guy things. Whatever. Just don't date other chicks
and I'll be happy
Ian: you got it
me: ok
He's been super conflicted. He hates when I'm not around, gets jealous when I go out with guys, etc....yet doesn't want a relationship. Mainly because he just got out of a three year one. So...we came to this agreement. Somehow, we aren't sleeping together...but are dating exclusively without being a couple! Is this a logical transgression? How do I turn "exlusive dating" into a relationship? Ahhh
community.livejournal.com/purgefree/
I am trying to make it through one month (starting today) purge free. I decided this after realizing that I hadn't got more than two days without purging in the past eight years. This scared me...and it made me sad, so I decided to give it a shot. Please join or post in the community if you would like to try along with me or just offer your support. I'll keep daily updates on my progress. Support/help/advice appreciated :)
Something is seriously wrong with me when it comes to sex. I had sex with my friend Tripp last night. In the middle of it, I got up and went to the bathroom and kicked him out. Later, I invited him back and we did it again. I don't know why I am doing this. I want them to not touch me or have sex with me...and when they do, I sort of hate them. I feel like they think dirty things about me...like I'm no longer special to them. I know that none of that is true. I hate when guys make sexual jokes. I'm sort of becoming a prude....but I'm not a prude....I'm incredibly sexual. Maybe I'm just not having sex with the right people.
God, I was so depressed yesterday. Justin didn't call. Maybe he thinks I'm weird. On AIM, I said to him: "I like you now, so you have to do the calling." He hasn't said anything to me since. Maybe I just came on too strong. Maybe he's been busy. I kind of get the feeling he's one of those guys you have to pursue, but if he REALLY liked me...wouldn't he pursue me? Also, when the hell did I get so pathetic and guy dependent? I used to have no interest in men.
Honestly, I just feel ready to be married. I'm not sure if it's cause all my friends are getting married (I'm only 22) or because I'm just ready for a change or what. I just really want to have a family...but maybe it's not the right time. I used to be all, "I'm never getting married, and girls who get married young ruin their lives." Now, it would be like my dream come true. I don't want to just marry ANYBODY though... I want to be in love. I want a good guy I can lean on, and I want babies.
I need help first though. This morning, I b/p a large hashbrown, a sausage egg and cheese biscuit, and a chicken filet biscuit from Hardee's. My weight is going down, and I'm in love with the bones of my spine. I can't wait for lunch...dreaming of king size kit kats and that prime rib burger from Hardee's. I want to be normal, but I just can't seem to get back on the wagon lately. I'm too depressed, and I hate the ugly scar from my monroe piercing, t hough I love the piercing itself.
I just feel lonely, and scared of being done with college and what comes next, and I'm just really hoping for love to show up...but I get the feeling it doesn't work that way.
Drunken lush me trying not to be too obvious...omg, he looks like he wants to run away!
Happy birthday Mary-Kate and Ashley, and happy half birthday to me. Ugh. I soo don't want to be 23. I'm not nearly mature enough, and I've only had one REAL relationship...which was a disaster.
Anyways, went out on a date with a guy we'll call J last night. Wanna see?
Cute right? I think so. He's my age, and it's sooo weird dating guys my age. I feel about a thousand years older, but it's also kind of fun. I danced and got drunk all night...entertained everybody. I felt like a star, and we're going out again tomorrow. If I can just NOT sleep with this one and have just a fun,normal friendship/datingship/whatever...I'll be proud of myself for once.
J2 is GORGEOUS, but he annoys me. I've slept with him, and he also sucks. Just for kicks...here he is:
Oh, and I slept with this guy (NEVER AGAIN!). He's the one who fucked me like ...what did I say? A jackhammer?
I have some stuff to write about Matt too, but I'm at work, and being watched so later...I promise! Check back :)
Okay, as promised, I have some more to say. My boss told me that I was fine when I first left Matt...happy with the decision, not missing him, and she was right. As nice as he was, it just wasn't there. Anyway, she said the only reason I'm upset now is cause I'm letting him cross boundaries...aka calling me when I ask him not to, etc. So...I've just gotta put him out of my life. No phone calls, nothing. I don't really love him...I'm just convincing myself I do. I HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS and over my emotions, NOT HIM. Nobody can hurt me...unless I let them! Tonight is gonna be fun :) I need to just stop worrying about "falling in love" and just date (cause he's a paying :) and have fun!!! My other boss thinks that's awful...to use guys for dates, but I don't. I think ti's just a damn good time, and they'd use our body in a second if we let em. I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH JUSTIN. I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH JUSTIN. Why do I have the feeling my next journal entry will begin with..."I had sex with Justin." ha ha..seriously, I can do this. I'm worth more than a cheap lay!
as I've been getting in trouble for internet usage at work. All I want to say is that I purged twice yesterday. This morning, I stopped and bought
2 King size kit kats
A double decker oatmeal creme pie
Tall can of cheese pringles
a diet pepsi
Oh, and I had five pieces of french toast and some mushrooms with melted cheese this morning. I semi want to die, but I can wear my skinny jeans. How come bulimia only works when it feels like it? Bitch.
After like two weeks of constant binge/purging, my weight crept up like two pounds. I've got to get back on track here. I loved that I was losing...slowly, but losing REAL weight for the first time in a while. So, I took some laxatives after purging a giant dinner last night and woke up at 129.5. Woohoo! So far today I've had...
1 oatmeal packet
A great big salad with evil ranch dressing
I'm planning on making a small salad with Italian or eating some pickles for a snack and then having a full out anorexicathon by spending three hours or so eating a burnt lean cuisine. God, I'm so friggin weird. I should probably work out...but that would require me to not be so darn lazy. I want to get down to 120, but it's taking FOREVER.
That's probably cause my diet lasts only a couple of days before the bulimic bitch in me takes over.
In other news, I desperately want to go to my bar...and I desperately want to go with Matt, but I'm scared to ask him. It'll just give him back all the control. When men feel in control...they are complete and total assholes. I never in a million years would have expected this from Matt. HE has very low self-esteem, and I think me being all nutty gives him an ego boost. I don't want to help him at all in that area...I just want to drink with him and eat fries...cause well, I guess it did use to be kind of fun. If he says no, I know I'll flip out (I won't let him know this, of course) and feel like shit...so I"m just scared to ask. He doesn't know I know about his little internet girlfriend. I could go with Scott, who by the way, fucked me like I was a blow up doll or something, but I sort of hate him and plus he can only go if he gets paid. I don't even like him. Being screwed like a blow up doll, by the way, is not a good thing. HE just kept pounding with his little dick (which he informed me was too big for me) and held my legs up in the air, mushed into my head the whole time. WHen i tried to put them down, he didn't give a shit. It was just shitty shitty sex. I don't want any of these guys...I just wanna go to the bar.
Binge #1
Looooots of fried fish and waffle fries
Some quiche
God knows what else
Binge #2
Chicken parmesan with linguini
Veggies
Rice
Cookies
BLT
Binge #3
Chicken sandwich from Arby's
BLT
Large Curly fries
Jamocha shake
The only thing I've been keeping down is salads. I want to eat one before formal tomorrow, but I'm afraid of being bloated, so ugh. In good news, I'm on track to graduate, and grad school options are there. I feel hopeful about my future and ready for a change. I want to eat healthier...just less. I know, I know, but I don't care. Losing weight makes me happier than just about anything.
10 boneless wings with fries
a jumbo order of fries
little bag of cheetos
twix bar
VOMIT
now...I just scarfed down a banana and am eating stolen pizza. I looked at my ex's myspace, something I know better than to do. He seems...happy, and I'm jealous. I'm mad that I gave myself to him, and there's nothing I can do to get it back. I'm mad he stomped all over me. I'm mad he hates me. I'm mad he moved away without saying goodbye. I'm mad he has friends, when I don't...not really. I'm mad I'm me. I'm depressed that I'll never be great or famous. I have a psych test on Friday I just cannot make myself study for. Oh, and I'm working on the last piece of pizza......already thinking if I could sneak and steal some more. My weight was down a pound too. I'm scared post purge ,it'll have gone up. I'm scared that I feel this way. I'm scared of being old. I'm scared. I think I need some meds, but then I'd be even more boring. Why do I hurt so bad? What gives me the right when other people have gone through so much worse?
In my head...asshole ex was the only one who understood, and nobody else can. I feel like there is no one RIGHT to talk to. No one who would understand...I know people love me, but I feel totally alone. I don't mind being alone, really. I just wish everyone else was too.
Wow, still 25 minutes left. I think I'll check myspace and play webkinz :P
Anyway, so I dreamed about Eric (the abusive ex, with whom, things ended incredibly badly...I almost got him shot...on accident, but that's another long story). I was at church, and he came to visit me. He stood beside me for a long time before I realized it was him. He yells at me and screams, etc. etc. Well...cut to me having sex.....WITH MY MOM. Yes, she had a penis. I was ENJOYING it at first, and I assumed it was normal for parents to have sex with kids...it was just something they did for them so others wouldn't have to. Sick, right? Afterwards, though, I got mad at her. Then, cut back to Eric...who has been yelling at me while this is going on. I'm crying. He's crying. We talk. I think he's going to hug me, but he doesn't. Finally, we're standing in front of some unnamed lady who tells us the only way to end "true love" is for us to cry our tears into this jar. By doing so, we'll find new and better love. His tears are collected, and mine are just pouring. Then, I wake up. Weird, huh? I wish my alarm hadn't gone off so I could know what it meant!
In my real life, the boyfriend has finally put his foot down on my mean behavior, and I have to say I respect him for it. He told me, quite kindly, that he hasn't been happy lately and if things don't get better, he's gone. I've put this poor guy through a LOT...name calling, cheating, etc. It's just like..I finally have someone who's nice to me, and I'm determined to ruin it. Plus, sometimes I don't LIKE him...and I get so confused in my head. Do I just want to like him cause I don't want to be alone? Is it really not this big psychological thing and maybe I just don't like him? Am I just so self-destructive I can't be in a normal relationship? The LITTLE things, that were so perfect with abusive asshole, aren't here.
He snores...horribly
He isn't the type I'm physically attracted to
He annoys me
He can be too sweet and babyish and forgive me, unmanly at times...and I find his moments of vulnerability DISGUSTING
I feel like something is wrong inside of me.
I, however, did not purge today! I ate more than I would've liked to: two salads, a few pretzels, some grapes, a banana. The first salad contained a (gasp) fried chicken tender that I ripped up and tossed in, despite my vow to not eat meat. I also snapped at my mom, cause I'm kind of broke, and she accidentally (we have the exact same name) put my check into her account...we think, since it's magically not shown up in mine. I feel a million things right now: sick of school but angry at myself for not being grateful for it, unworthy of my summer internship which I've held for three years...I slack off/play on the computer way too much there, determined to deserve and be grateful for it, not good enough for anything good, angry at myself for all my stealing/etc that I've been doing, and just ready to be someone better...someone I'd actually like.
In GOOD news: I get to read my latest piece of fiction to the entire English faculty :) Apparently, it's pretty darn good!! :)
That's all for now. Oh...
Tuesday:
Time with the G-o-d :)
Bulimia :)
Didn't Eat Meat X
Eat Healthy :)
Smoke X
Mean to Matt :)
Stealing/Being inconsiderate X (for being mean to mom)
Sex :)...oh and yesterday's X for sex should have been a :)
Drinking :)
Exercise:)
Oh and just to keep it fun....pics of the bf!!
Oh, and he really isn't going bald....he just has an insanely high hairline :)
So..edit time...my manic self titled this post and got completely off the subject. I want to know what you guys think. A lady in my writing class, who I don't really like, told me today that love is a choice. It's funny that she said that, because it's something I've been debating for awhile now. My first love was so intense, so powerful, so wonderful, and so horrible...and I'm starting to think maybe it wasn't really LOVE. Love never fails, right? That's what the bible says at least. Do you choose who you love? I'm not so sure. I don't think I could ever feel about Matt the way I felt about asshole ex, who against all odds, I'll always love. He's Matt...he's comfortable...he's sweet...he drives me nuts, and I know I'm totally safe with him. I can't lean on him in the way I did with Eric, but I know that isn't what you're really SUPPOSED to do in relationships anyway. I just...I'm confused. Too many conflicting things like:
You can't make a heart love somebody
Love is a choice
You can't decide who you love
Love isn't a pre-determined plan
AHHHHHHHH! Life's little mysteries. I wish I had a philosophy on love. I guess I'm not even sure what it is exactly, but I think Christ was the ultimate example, and I"m going to study him a little bit more closely. OH and above mentioned weird dream brought up long forgotten memories. As a kid, my mom used to fondle me...not in a sexual way, just a lot of stroking my arm, back, etc. I think I may have found it pleasurable, because I translated it to that she was molesting me. Also, whenever I'd sleep with my sister (ten years older than me), I'd be extra aware of my breathing and try really hard not to breathe hard, so she wouldn't think I was turned on. This was as a YOUNG kid. Can you guys remember anything like this? I've always had suspicions that I was sexually abused...my sisters were, and I've ALWAYS ALWAYS had rape fantasies and issues with sex, but I don't remember anything. Is this normal childhood stuff or what? Okay, done babbling :)
